Success In Sex?
You are probably wondering what kind of title THIS is, or is it just some kind of scammy hook to get you to read yet another bland article about another bland topic!
Nope! Neither. This time around, I am venturing outside my normal business/lifestyle topics into the spicier side of life!
When I started writing I wanted to cover success in ALL areas of life. So, it occurred to me that sex is a part of life, a rather big part. We are all grown-ups, and I don’t think the subject is taboo.
Having said all that, the “S” I referred to in the title of this article is for “Success”. The question is, how to have successful sex?
My husband and I have been married for 35 years. We haven’t always had a smooth road, and actually we hit quite a few potholes early in our marriage, but the last few years have been really great!
Flow In Sex
I’ve been reading a terrific book titled, “The Rise of Superman: Decoding the Science of Ultimate Human Performance“, and no, it’s not a book about sex, but there are some things than can pertain to the subject. This book discusses our ability to move into a “flow” state, or the “zone” as some call it.
I don’t think there is anyone that would deny that good sex is about as good as it gets, but there are those action and adventure folks that can get into a pretty amazing “flow” state which has a few things in common with good sex!
Wikipedia says, “In positive psychology, flow energy, also known as the zone, is the mental state of operation in which a person performing an activity is fully immersed in a feeling of energized focus, full involvement, and enjoyment in the process of the activity. In essence, flow is characterized by complete absorption in what one does.”
Rise of the Superman quotes researcher of the “Happiness Study”, Csikszentminhalyi as saying of the flow state, “being so involved in an activity that nothing else seems to matter. The ego falls away. Time flies. Every action, movement and thought follows inevitably from the previous one, like playing jazz. Your whole being is involved, and you’re using your skills to the utmost.”
Doesn’t that sound a lot like really successful sex? I think so too!
Being Fully Present
In the Psychology Today article, How Creative Flow Is Like Sex, Susan K. Perry, PhD says:
1. In both creative flow and sexual activity, you surrender control.
2. Sex and creativity can each feel blocked.
3. How you experience sex and how you enter a flow state both relate to your personality.
4. Creating can itself cause an erotic charge.
Why does this matter? It matters because there is one crucial element to being in flow that definitively effects successful sex. That element is being fully present.
Think about it. When you are a younger couple it is difficult to be fully present if you have children that you never know when will cry, or walk in on you. Also, when you are younger, you may not have worked through a lot of the trust or vulnerability issues that actually keep you from being fully present.
If you are stuck in past hurts, or have trust issues that haven’t been worked out yet, it is nearly impossible to enter into an absolute present mindset, and therefore enjoy truly successful sex.
What Can You Do?
Let’s be honest, most men don’t have a problem with this. It’s just the way they are built. Women however, need to feel secure and safe to really be able to enter into a sexual flow state for absolute successful sex. If the relationship has unresolved issues relating to trust and security, it’s most likely going to be really hard for her to fully experience everything possible.
Worry is one of the top enemies to being fully present. As the saying goes, “Worry won’t stop the bad stuff from happening, it just stops you from enjoying the good”. Am I free from worry all the time? Of course not, but I work on it. I try to stay in touch with what is happening in my mind and body.
So I imagine the big question is, how can you improve this area in your life by being more present?
I think there are a few things you can do.
First, work on separating your mind from worry. Try meditation as a way to identify when you are feeling worry and stress in your body so that you can stop when you decide to have sexual time with your partner.
If at all possible, try planning ahead for that special time. Whether early in the morning, or a weekend afternoon say, you can prepare your state of mind ahead of time. Be sure to share your idea with your partner so you can insure you are both on the same page.
Next, during your times of meditation, or perhaps coaching, see if you can identify areas that are keeping you stuck in the past. No doubt, past experiences can cause us to believe things that aren’t true, and keep us from experiencing all that is available to us in the present.
If there is any part of you that does not believe you are created as a sexual being, meant to truly find fulfillment and over the top pleasure with your partner there are issues that need to be addressed.
If you are a younger couple with children in the home, make sure you and your partner will not be interrupted or walked in on. It is OK to lock your door. More children have issues around walking in on their parents than from confronting a locked door. More importantly, make sure the kids are truly down for the night, at school, or whatever.
Trust me! I know how difficult it can be to find a truly private time with children in the house, but it’s your job to be creative.
If you can’t have honest conversations about your sexual relationship with your partner, what you like, or what you don’t like, there is an issue that needs to be dealt with. Deal with it! It’s worth it.
I hope with all my heart that you find value and truth in this article. I want nothing more than for you to experience success in this intimate area, as well as every other area of your life. I welcome you to comment and let me know what you think, and any “helps” you can share in an adult manner that would help others.